Some randomly scanned TV show just used the term “lusty little lagoon” to describe an everyday outdoor whirlpool.

Image of dirty hot tubs??!! BAARRRRRFFF!!! I don’t mean to be a complete party pooper, but I think that every hot tub in the universe should have been marketed as the POOPPARTY3000, which would be an even clearer name to describe a GERMONIC social hot water medium that apparently also gets referred to publicly as a lustylittlelagoon. Shudder.

I risked googling that microbophilic phase, fearing getting my internet tapped by the web police, and was extremely relieved to discover that no commercial products bear that diseased name. I guess I didn’t google some possible variants, like LuztyLil’gyun or something like that. Either way: OFF LIMITS. Learn about folliculitis, and you’ll understand my aquatic apprehension and desire to avoid colonization.

This all having grown up next door to a very old couple who proudly displayed a hot tub on their handbuilt wooden front deck, despite the fact that we lived ON A LAKE. FRESH water much? Like, one day they were sitting out there thinking BOY I wish I could boil myself in the open air while gazing at the naturally wide open water. In full body swimsuits from the 1930s. Because this ‘ish is nasty and we’re old.

Never again will I make fun of Kristen for being the world’s #4 germophobe, or any of the others in training who I also refer to as classmates.