I am very excited to be nearly done with our 2009 taxes. I have enjoyed preparing taxes ever since my first filing in 1999, because it always means a big REFUND and exciting cash flow surge to start the new year off ballin’.

Last year was a kick in the teeth since we actually had to pay Uncle Sam, but the same mistakes were NOT made this year and again we can now look forward to a personal micro-bail-out in the form of another lovely refund. Hooray!

I love me some Turbotax, but the screen above was almost too much to handle. REFUNDABLE DAIRY CREDIT? SENIOR CIRCUIT BREAKER CREDIT?? SEPTIC CREDIT?!??! This is nonsense! This state has some wild tax practices, but I’ll trust the machine and hope that I haven’t missed out on some opportunities to save money.

I hope your own tax process is going well. Cheers to taxation with representation… or something like that.

A couple months ago, I got busted for not paying taxes on a 2007 Americorps stipend, which was used to directly paid down some old-fashioned tuition debt. It was never cash in my hands, yet I was still responsible at the time for paying taxes on all 4,725 dollars of it. The trouble is that I am very Ned-Flanders-ish about my taxes, and finalized that ‘07 return well before receiving that 1099-MISC. I DIDN’T EVEN KNOW TO EXPECT IT! GAWWWWSH!

Obviously I decided against amending the return, and just basked in a conniving fraudulent afterglow for the following two-point-five years until BAM! The IRS demanded SEVEN-HUNDRED-NINETY-TWO dollars of my zero-income assets to pay them off. Does the IRS realize that’s nearly the entire value of the CRUISE that Jon and I will be taking in December - for which we have been frugally preparing for a LONG time? We’re talking a once-in-a-lifetime-vacation-value BILL, and all because I responsibly settled my 2007 tax return SUPER early?! One cannot just drop that kind of cash without some serious FML-strength-frustration.

Now, I think the IRS is just messing with me, because I received a REFUND of that payment to the tune of $1.47. Seriously: a nice crisp green-yellow check made out to me worth fewer quarters than a load of laundry. REALLY?! IS IT WORTH IT??! C’mon now. Experiencing that level of sympathetic nerve activation is worth at least $2.35.

They might as well have sent a hand-written postcard saying ’Next time you get the mail, bring a personal bodyguard, Colleen, because you never know what we’ll send you next! MWAH AH AH AH. We might ask for a money order for 0.03 EUROS or a crumpled two dollar bill next time… you just never know…’

Leave me alone, TaxMan. I’ll deal with you again next February. Boo!